1 point by slswlsek 5 days ago | flag | hide | 0 comments
A Comprehensive Guide to Preventing Gaslighting: The Journey to Reclaiming Yourself
Introduction: For Those Lost in a Psychological Fog
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse as serious as physical violence. Research shows that the brain areas activated during psychological distress are the same as those activated by physical pain, suggesting that gaslighting is not merely a verbal discomfort but an act that causes real damage to an individual's mind and body.1 This subtle and insidious manipulation gradually distorts the victim's sense of reality, memory, and judgment, leading to a collapse of the self and ultimately making them psychologically dependent on the abuser.2 This report aims to provide a deep understanding of the psychological mechanisms of gaslighting and to offer practical defense and recovery strategies to help victims reclaim their identity and rebuild a healthy life.
I. The Nature and Psychological Mechanisms of Gaslighting
The Definition and Origin of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a term derived from the 1938 play Gaslight, referring to the phenomenon of controlling and manipulating others for one's own benefit, causing them to lose their judgment and sense of reality.6 This term became widely known as a specific type of psychological abuse through psychoanalyst Robin Stern's book, The Gaslight Effect. Recently, it has been used to describe the phenomenon where one party in a power relationship, including personal relationships, politics, society, and social media, puts psychological pressure on another to make them dependent.2
The Subtle Difference from Simple Lies and Disagreements
Gaslighting is fundamentally different from simple lies or disagreements. While a simple lie is an act of deceiving about a fact, the purpose of gaslighting is to make the other person doubt their own reality.7 Even when presented with clear evidence, the abuser shamelessly denies it, instead blaming the victim with phrases like, "You saw it wrong," or "Why can't you remember that?".2 In a healthy relationship, there is a mutual effort to respect each other's feelings and subjective views and to compromise.8 However, gaslighting trivializes the victim's opinions and feelings, and shifts the responsibility for the abuser's emotions onto the victim, saying things like, "I'm sad because you did that".9 This one-sided relationship is far from the mutual respect that is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
The Abuser's Core Psychology: Power, Control, and Narcissistic Desire
What gaslighters crave most in a relationship is power and control.6 They satisfy this desire by gaining an upper hand in the relationship and making the other person dependent on them.9 Gaslighters are self-centered and take blind adoration and special treatment for granted.2 Their behavior often shows a deep connection to pathological narcissism.14 They subtly use others to satisfy their narcissistic desires and rationalize their aggression.2 They may even display a contradictory attitude, wanting to be a 'good person' or a 'righteous person' even while hurting others.2 This pathological narcissism is the core driver of gaslighting, which breaks down the victim's self and makes them dependent on the abuser.15 It is important to understand that the gaslighter's behavior is not a desire for genuine love from the victim, but a pathological attempt to fill their own unstable self through others. Therefore, their relationship is a utilitarian one to satisfy a narcissistic fantasy, not one of true love.
Why It Occurs More Often in Intimate Relationships
Gaslighting doesn't start with a direct conflict, but primarily involves a subtle attack after first building intimacy.6 Hierarchy plays a crucial role in gaslighting, and the abuser is usually in a position of power over the victim.6 The victim's desire to be recognized and loved by the abuser leads them to accept the abuser's words absolutely, which makes control and manipulation easier in intimate relationships.2 Gaslighting begins with seemingly trivial things.11 The abuser repeats contradictory words and actions to confuse the victim.11 In this confusion, the victim self-blames, thinking, "Am I too sensitive?" or "Did I do something wrong?" 2, which is an unconscious attempt to resolve cognitive dissonance for psychological stability.17 As this process repeats, the victim loses trust in their own judgment and eventually hands over all control to the abuser.4 This state leads to 'learned helplessness,' where the victim feels they can do nothing on their own. The danger of gaslighting is that it leaves no physical evidence and makes the victim blame themselves.16 This psychological mechanism is why it is meaningless to scold victims by asking, "Why didn't you run away then?".16
II. A Multi-layered Analysis of Gaslighting Signs
The Abuser's Typical Traits and Tactics
Gaslighters use various verbal and non-verbal techniques to undermine the victim's self-esteem. They dismiss the victim's feelings with phrases like, "You're too sensitive," "This is all for your own good," and "How frustrating".11 They also repeat 'conditional apologies' that ultimately shift the blame to the victim, such as, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so sensitive".19 They constantly belittle and sow discord in the victim's relationships with others to isolate them.8 They may also exhibit 'strong with the weak, weak with the strong' characteristics, acting ruthlessly toward the vulnerable and fawning over the powerful.19 They exploit the victim's weaknesses as a means of control.19 Even if their lies are exposed, they don't bat an eye and deny them, and may even attack the other person.13
The Victim's Psychological and Behavioral Signs
Victims of gaslighting show typical psychological and behavioral signs. Constant self-doubt and confusion: The victim becomes confused, questioning themselves with phrases like, "Am I too sensitive?" or "I feel like I'm going crazy".16 Distorted reality and loss of judgment: They find it difficult to make even simple decisions, become confused about their memories, and lose trust in their own judgment.16 Excuses and lies: They often make excuses to others for the abuser's behavior or lie to avoid being shouted at.16 Loss of self-esteem and joy in life: They feel like a completely different person from who they used to be and lose their confidence and joy in life.16 The following table provides a clearer understanding of the abuser's actions and the victim's psychological signs. It plays an important role in helping the victim objectively diagnose their situation and realize that the cause is not with them.
Abuser's Typical Behavioral Patterns Victim's Psychological/Behavioral Signs Repeats lies and denies them even with evidence 19 Doubts their own memory or perception and feels confused 24 Dismisses and blames their feelings, saying, "You're too sensitive" 2 Questions themselves, asking, "Am I too sensitive?" and blames themselves 22 Tries to control behavior with phrases like, "This is all for you" 16 Ignores their own feelings and signals to accommodate the other person 20 Shifts the blame for their own wrongdoing to the victim 21 Feels guilty about trivial words and constantly apologizes to the other person 22 Isolates the victim by slandering them to family and friends 8 Starts hiding the relationship from people around them to avoid having to make excuses 23 Selectively points out weaknesses, saying, "You're so bad at this" 19 Feels a sense of helplessness, as if they can't do anything properly 22
III. Immediate Action and Practical Self-Protection Methods
Objective Perception: Distinguishing Between 'Truth' and 'Illusion'
The first step to escaping gaslighting is to objectively perceive the current situation. Instead of relying on intuition, you should try to logically judge the other person's claims and secure objective evidence.8 Do not blindly trust illogical claims and opinions.17 For a victim who has already lost their judgment, a third-party perspective is very important.16 Talking to a trusted friend or family member and getting their opinion is a good way to correct the distorted reality.16 It is also an effective method to assume, "If my friend were in the same situation as me, what advice would I give them?" to look at your own situation from an objective perspective.17
Setting Clear Boundaries and Communication
It is important not to blindly trust others and to protect your own judgment.8 Do not unconditionally accept the other person's opinion just because they are close to you; judge carefully whether the reasoning is rational and trustworthy.2 An ambiguous attitude like "I'll think about it" can worsen the situation, so you must clearly refuse anything you don't agree with.17 You need the courage not to be swayed even if the other person gets upset or threatens to end the relationship.17
Using the 'DEAR MAN' Technique for Effective Self-Assertion
The 'DEAR MAN' technique is a psychological therapy method for effectively communicating your feelings in conflict situations.1 The technique is an acronym for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate.1 The true value of this technique is not in changing the gaslighter's behavior. It is unlikely that using this technique on a gaslighter will change their behavior; on the contrary, it could provoke an aggressive response.7 The core of this technique lies in the process of clearly recognizing and expressing one's own feelings. This act is the first step for the victim to regain lost self-awareness and trust their own feelings and judgment.1 Practicing logical self-assertion instills self-confidence that "I am not the one who is strange".1 Therefore, the 'DEAR MAN' technique should be used as a tool to save oneself, not as a tool to improve the relationship with the gaslighter.7
IV. Long-term Recovery Strategies for Gaslighting Victims
Rebuilding Self-Respect and Self-Image
Simply breaking off the relationship is not enough; it's important to heal the distorted mindset and reaction patterns formed by emotional abuse.3 For this, you need to spend time getting closer to yourself.1 It is necessary to discover who you are, what brings you joy, and to make an effort to provide those things to yourself.1 Also, recognizing that you are a valuable person is the most proactive way to protect yourself from potential abusers.27 For someone recovering from gaslighting, forgiving and being kind to oneself is another form of self-love, and if you value yourself, others will also treat you with respect.1
The Role of Professionals and External Support
Gaslighting victims need professional help to recover their distorted perceptions and rebuild their self-esteem and self-trust.2 Psychological counseling is essential to overcome trauma and helplessness that are difficult to resolve alone. Anxiety and depressive symptoms from psychological distress can worsen when social support is lacking, so it's important to seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.2 The following table can help you realistically explore psychological counseling options that fit your situation.
Counseling Type Cost Range Health Insurance Coverage Eligible for Private Psychological Counseling Center 50,000 to 200,000 KRW (per 50-minute session) Out-of-pocket (Not covered) Anyone eligible 28 Hospital Psychological Counseling 10,000 to 30,000 KRW (including treatment) Covered For those with a diagnosed mental illness 28 Public Institution Counseling (Mental Health Center) Free to 20,000 KRW Free or low-cost University students, local residents 28
Principles of Healthy Relationship Formation
After recovery, it is important to re-establish the principles of forming a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is based on respect for the autonomy and free will of both people, and on honesty, trust, open emotional communication, and mutual support.8 Gaslighters use 'Flying Monkeys' to manipulate people around them, create a positive image of themselves, and pull the victim back into the relationship.32 This term originated from The Wizard of Oz and refers to third parties who have been deceived by the narcissist's facade.14 They may seem like 'good mediators,' but they ultimately hinder the victim's recovery and advocate for the gaslighter's position.14 A firm response to 'Flying Monkeys' that appear during the recovery process is essential.11 If it is difficult to cut ties with them, it is necessary to practice minimizing interaction and maintaining a psychological distance, so as not to be swayed by their words.17 This is a process of comprehensive self-protection, separating oneself not just from the abuser but from all relationships that defend or are used by them.
V. Conclusion: The Power to Reclaim Yourself, and Hope
Gaslighting is not an obstacle that ruins your life but an opportunity to become a stronger 'you'.3 The journey to recovery may be slow, but instead of focusing on the length of the road ahead, you should pay attention to small, positive changes and be kind to yourself.1 Forgiving and being kind to yourself is another form of self-love, and if I value myself, others will also treat me with respect.1 Gaslighting is a painful experience, but you must remember that you have enough strength to protect yourself and start a new life with the right self-awareness and systematic recovery efforts. 참고 자료 가스라이팅에서 회복하기 | 아멜리아 켈리 - 교보문고, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://product.kyobobook.co.kr/detail/S000216042323 가스라이팅, 타인의 정신을 지배해가는 정신적 학대, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.maum-sopoong.or.kr/infor_story/46975 가스라이팅이란 무엇인가요? 정신 건강에 미치는 징후, 원인 및 영향 - SoulMatcher, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://soulmatcher.app/ko/blog/what-does-gaslighting-mean/ 나도 모르게 겪게 되는 가스라이팅 성범죄 - 안전한TV, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.safetv.go.kr/base/video/view?playlistManagementIdx=&idx=2579&searchCategory=7&menuLevel=&menuNo= 가스라이팅의 10가지 신호 - 한국심리상담센터, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, http://www.mykpcc.com/103/?bmode=view&idx=13964579 '가스라이팅', 권력 관계 속 은밀한 폭력을 설명하는 방식 - 대학신문, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, http://www.snunews.com/news/articleView.html?idxno=22554 가스라이팅과 의견 불일치의 차이점은 무엇일까요? : r/abusiverelationships - Reddit, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14mfv8i/whats_the_difference_between_gaslighting_and/?tl=ko 내가 안전하고 건강한 관계를 맺을 수 있을까?, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/abuse-help-for-victims/can-i-build-safe-healthy-relationships?lang=kor '가스라이팅'과 '진짜 충고' 구별 방법 - 조선일보, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.chosun.com/medical/2024/04/11/FZSK4ZCLMRBKTC74PCSRL4SORE/ 나도 가스라이팅 당하고 있는 건 아닐까? - 정신의학신문, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, http://www.psychiatricnews.net/news/articleView.html?idxno=34300 [한 길 사람 속은?] 정신을 지배하는 '가스라이팅'…가해 심리와 탈출법 ..., 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://science.ytn.co.kr/program/program_view.php?s_mcd=0082&s_hcd=0036&key=202206141656578072 플라잉 몽키들은 어떻게 처리해? : r/raisedbynarcissists - Reddit, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1588saf/how_do_you_deal_with_the_flying_monkeys/?tl=ko [가스라이팅] 내가 이상한 걸까? 그가 이상한 걸까? - 가스라이터의 10가지 특징, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.psychiatricnews.net/news/articleView.html?idxno=34801 가스라이팅의 두 얼굴, 나르시시스트(Narcissist)와 플라잉 몽키(Flying Monkey) - 네이버 프리미엄콘텐츠, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://contents.premium.naver.com/mindfulness/knowledge/contents/220910190527760kl 가스라이팅에서 회복하기 | 아멜리아 켈리 - 알라딘, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.aladin.co.kr/m/mproduct.aspx?ItemId=360418484 가스라이팅, 그건 사랑이 아니에요 - 홍익대교지편집위원회 모바일 사이트, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, http://wowhongik.hongik.ac.kr/news/articleView.html?idxno=499 가스라이팅 - 나무위키, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://namu.wiki/w/%EA%B0%80%EC%8A%A4%EB%9D%BC%EC%9D%B4%ED%8C%85 [윤희영의 News English] 가스라이팅 가해자들이 자주 쓰는 표현 - 조선일보, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.chosun.com/opinion/specialist_column/2024/07/11/B3WJZPC6YBFEDJPNHJ5WDZFRHI/ 가스라이팅 뜻부터 가스라이팅 자가진단, 예시 화법, 말투, 대처법까지 ..., 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://doctornow.co.kr/content/magazine/be25b4e277e5400098a39f598d1a64e3 [언어 폭력의 모든 것] 언어 폭력 유형 총정리(가스라이팅, 판단, 조롱) | 정서적 학대, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.mentalhealthkorea.org/36/?bmode=view&idx=15138055 나르시시즘 - 나무위키, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://namu.wiki/w/%EB%82%98%EB%A5%B4%EC%8B%9C%EC%8B%9C%EC%A6%98 [전자책] 슬기로운 악성 가스라이팅 대처법 12 - 예스24, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://m.yes24.com/Goods/Detail/140109623 “너 위하는 사람은 나야, 내 말만 들어” 가스라이팅이 의심됩니까 - 조선일보, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.chosun.com/national/weekend/2024/12/14/FGE35HZ42NDNLKVF4RLPV3U54U/ 님은 가스라이팅을 겪은 적 있나요?, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://stibee.com/api/v1.0/emails/share/OcLDtwC13_ZRaipXldcVDRm--wPB5mA= 상대방에게 '가스라이팅'을 하는 사람의 심리는? / JTBC 상암동 클라스 - YouTube, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ssKg0Y430ag How to use "DEARMAN" to say no or set boundaries in relationships - Wellview Counseling, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://wellviewcounseling.com/dbt-dearman-boundaries-relationship/ 가스라이팅에서 회복하기 - 나를 단단하게 만드는 심리 성장 워크북, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, http://ebook.msu.ac.kr:8888/sub/sub.htm?mode=view&mv_data=aWR4PTM2MjgxNjI2OSZzdGFydFBhZ2U9MCZsaXN0Tm89MTQwJnRhYmxlPWNvbnRlbnRzX21hc3RfbXN1Jm5hdl9jb2RlPWFsYTEzOTcxOTQyMDYmY29kZT1uZXcmc2VhcmNoX2l0ZW09JnNlYXJjaF9vcmRlcj0mb3JkZXJfbGlzdD00Jmxpc3Rfc2NhbGU9JnZpZXdfbGV2ZWw9MSZ2aWV3X2NhdGU9JnZpZXdfY2F0ZTI9||&goods_id=362816269 심리상담 비용, 비싸게 내지 마세요. 심리상담 바우처로 상담료 절약하는 법 - 블루치즈 블로그, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://blog.bluecheese.kr/counseling-cost-guide/ 플라잉 몽키 대처법 팁과 트릭. : r/raisedbynarcissists - Reddit, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/4dewbr/tips_and_tricks_for_dealing_with_flying_monkeys/?tl=ko '건강한 관계'를 위한 5가지 지침 - 하이닥, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://news.hidoc.co.kr/news/articleView.html?idxno=24515 [브런치북] 가스라이팅에서 벗어나는 중입니다., 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://brunch.co.kr/brunchbook/gaslighting 내가 가스라이팅 당하는 걸까?…간단한 감별법 - 코메디닷컴, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://kormedi.com/1560407/ 플라잉 몽키(Flying Monkeys): 나르시시스트의 추종자 - 네이버 프리미엄콘텐츠, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://contents.premium.naver.com/naaso/naaso1/contents/240401190439587sy 자기애성 성격장애 - 나무위키, 9월 5, 2025에 액세스, https://namu.wiki/w/%EC%9E%90%EA%B8%B0%EC%95%A0%EC%84%B1%20%EC%84%B1%EA%B2%A9%EC%9E%A5%EC%95%A0